I'm starting to realize that it's more important to me to give than to receive in an intimate partnership, and that I've chosen my partners accordingly, and I'm reaping the harvest of those decisions.
Exquisitely tender that you took the time and space and that you took a chance in writing this at all.
We had a friend, black belt Aikido, lived and taught in Japan, a total adventurer. Broke her neck at 33. 21 years in a wheelchair before she passed away. One Spring we bounced her out of a too-long too-cold and wet England into our one bedroom beach house in Santa Cruz California. Sleeping in our bedroom, us being a couple in decades long-time love, she woke out of a epic night dream: "No harm was ever meant.... No harm was ever meant between men and women in all the universe. ." .
I can still feel the visceral sense of her delivery that, and the wonder we shared, feeling the truth of it.
From your description of some of your many loves, you seem to be a compassionate and caring man who tried your best in making women happy and finding contentment with mutual respect and love for each other. Women today are more independent, and many earn more money than their boyfriends or husbands, which gives them a certain form of leverage from being reliant for male financial support, which held marriages together, as in the past, which for too many women was a silent agony of familial bondage. Thank you for sharing with your readers, as some of can relate some of your former relationships with similar ones we've had or have.
The comment section is open for others to share experiences. I'd particularly like to hear success stories creating close, egalitarian relationships in which partners can grow.
It took a lot of years for me to use Occums Razor; for a 'birds eye view' of what all of my relationships thus far had in common. The physical appearance, career, personality, and temperament were varied.
I truly loved each of them with all my heart. However, for me "Love brings to itself anything unlike itself, that needs to be healed". Each of them and myself had common threads creating a tapestry: a lovely picture on the front facing side; and messy, loose, untied strands on the reverse hidden side. The little girl in me was attracting a mirror of the same experience as they. To be pithy, I could use two words for what they had in common: 'emotionally unavailable' and emotionally 'dismissive-avoidant'; and me the mirror reverse 'emotionally preoccupied'. I was doing everything to create the deep love in the relationship that I only had with my father in my very early years; and repeating unbeknownst to me until time passed, what my
mother had also experienced with my father and was unresolved in her lifetime. I was reverting to the pure and true love my youngest self had for him; chasing endlessly to recapture that unconditional adoration I felt (only for fleeting moments so enough to imprint my destiny) but it was unrequited in return I was seeking the 'elusive, distracted, distant, inconsistent attention' et al that both of us experienced in our relationship with him. Another word applies 'attachment'. I was endlessly chasing rainbows 🌈 and fluttering like a butterfly 🦋 to seek the beauty and nectar of that pure love after his physical abandonment in my early years. There was fun and pleasure; but they were dismissive avoidant of 'intimacy' (in-to-me- see and see-in-to-me) repeating the same patterns of their early years. I was searching for that of which I felt, in return that I only glimpsed; and seeking that original beautiful spirit of my child, whose heart was so in love yet broken. Then the same abandonment as in childhood repeated in all my relationships. I left only one; unaware of the quiet storm I was to endure that became a hurricane. Each time, I sought that very joy and ebullience both me and my mother felt for him but was unrequited. The broken heart 💔 and abandonment 😥 happened each time. It's been 10 years now since the last relationship ended and I have finally healed ❤️🩹 Everything is conscious now and I recognize this pattern right away and move on. However, I have not as of yet, attracted the one true love that has also mended and healed their own. 🙏💞🕊️
Looking forward to reading this again when I have some quiet time to reflect. As a woman who has had multiple relationship experiences throughout 5 decades that (more complex but for now) were ambiguous and ambivalent, feeling like: 'relate-in-a-ship' in calm water, blue skies, moonlit nights, sun sets then rises; then turbulent water, stormy skies, lightening and thunder, sun sets 'the end'; this opportunity to have a window into a man's psyche and hear honest, personal reflections, perspectives, and musings is much appreciated.
It took a lot of years for me to use Occums Razor; for a 'birds eye view' of what all of my relationships thus far had in common. The physical appearance, career, personality, and temperament were varied.
I truly loved each of them with all my heart. However, for me "Love brings to itself anything unlike itself, that needs to be healed". Each of them and myself had common threads creating a tapestry: a lovely picture on the front facing side; and messy, loose, untied strands on the reverse hidden side. The little girl in me was attracting a mirror of the same experience as they. To be pithy, I could use two words for what they had in common: 'emotionally unavailable' and emotionally 'dismissive-avoidant'; and me the mirror reverse 'emotionally preoccupied'. I was doing everything to create the deep love in the relationship that I only had occasionally with my father in my very early years; and repeating unbeknownst to me until decades passed, what my mother had also experienced with my father and was unresolved in her lifetime. I was reverting to the pure and true love my youngest self had for him; chasing endlessly to recapture that unconditional adoration I felt for him, but was unrequited in return (only for fleeting moments so enough to imprint my destiny). I was seeking the 'elusive, distracted, distant, inconsistent attention' et al that both of us in our relationship never received . Another word applies that is 'Attachment'. I was endlessly chasing rainbows 🌈 and fluttering like a butterfly 🦋 to suck the nectar of that pure love, after physical abandonment in my early years: while the men were dismissive avoidant of 'intimacy' (in-to-me- see and see-in-to-me) repeating the same patterns of their early years. I was searching and seeking that original beautiful spirit of my child whose heart was so in love yet broken; when the same abandonment as in childhood repeated in all my relationships. I left only one; unaware of the quiet storm to endure to become a hurricane. Each time, I still sought that very joy and ebullience both me and my mother felt for him but was unrequited. The broken heart 💔 and abandonment 😥 happened each time both physically and emotionally: by betrayal, infidelity, emotional distance, withdrawal, withholding communication, abandonment physically and or emotionally, punishment (and a sudden tragic death ignoring forewarning). It's been 10 years now since the last relationship ended and I have finally healed ❤️🩹...💖
Everything is conscious now and I recognize this pattern right away and move on. However, I have not, as of yet, attracted the one true love that has also mended and healed their own. 🙏💞🕊️
It took a lot of years for me to use Occums Razor; for a 'birds eye view' of what all of my relationships thus far had in common. The physical appearance, career, personality, and temperament were varied.
I truly loved each of them with all my heart. However, for me "Love brings to itself anything unlike itself, that needs to be healed". Each of them and myself had common threads creating a tapestry: a lovely picture on the front facing side; and messy, loose, untied strands on the reverse hidden side. The little girl in me was attracting a mirror of the same experience as they. To be pithy, I could use two words for what they had in common: 'emotionally unavailable' and emotionally 'dismissive-avoidant'; and me the mirror reverse 'emotionally preoccupied'. I was doing everything to create the deep love in the relationship that I only had with my father in my very early years; and repeating unbeknownst to me until decades passed, what my
mother had also experiencing with my father and was unresolved in her lifetime. I was reverting to the pure and true love my youngest self had for him; chasing endlessly to recapture that unconditional adoration I felt for him, but was unrequited in return (only for fleeting moments so enough to imprint my destiny). I was seeking the 'elusive, distracted, distant, inconsistent attention' et al that both of us in our relationship with him; in an Another word applies 'attachment'. I was endlessly chasing rainbows 🌈 and fluttering like a butterfly 🦋 to suck the nectar of that pure love, after physical abandonment in my early years: while the men were dismissive avoidant of 'intimacy' (in-to-me- see and see-in-to-me) repeating the same patterns of their early years. I was searching and seeking that original beautiful spirit of my child whose heart was so in love yet broken; when the same abandonment as in childhood repeated in all my relationships. I left only one; unaware of the quiet storm to endure to become a hurricane. Each time, I still sought that very joy and ebullience both me and my mother felt for him but was unrequited. The broken heart 💔 and abandonment 😥 happened each time both physically and emotionally: by betrayal, infidelity, emotional distance, withdrawal, withholding communication, abandonment physically and or emotionally, punishment (and a sudden tragic death ignoring forewarning). It's been 10 years now since the last relationship ended and I have finally healed ❤️🩹 Everything is conscious now and I recognize this pattern right away and move on. However I have not, as of yet, attracted the one true love that has also mended and healed their own. 🙏💞🕊️
Rejoice! You are lucky to have loved, and be loved in return. This wonderful feeling eludes many. Relationships with women are pretty immune to rational analysis, in my experience.
I'm starting to realize that it's more important to me to give than to receive in an intimate partnership, and that I've chosen my partners accordingly, and I'm reaping the harvest of those decisions.
Exquisitely tender that you took the time and space and that you took a chance in writing this at all.
We had a friend, black belt Aikido, lived and taught in Japan, a total adventurer. Broke her neck at 33. 21 years in a wheelchair before she passed away. One Spring we bounced her out of a too-long too-cold and wet England into our one bedroom beach house in Santa Cruz California. Sleeping in our bedroom, us being a couple in decades long-time love, she woke out of a epic night dream: "No harm was ever meant.... No harm was ever meant between men and women in all the universe. ." .
I can still feel the visceral sense of her delivery that, and the wonder we shared, feeling the truth of it.
From your description of some of your many loves, you seem to be a compassionate and caring man who tried your best in making women happy and finding contentment with mutual respect and love for each other. Women today are more independent, and many earn more money than their boyfriends or husbands, which gives them a certain form of leverage from being reliant for male financial support, which held marriages together, as in the past, which for too many women was a silent agony of familial bondage. Thank you for sharing with your readers, as some of can relate some of your former relationships with similar ones we've had or have.
The comment section is open for others to share experiences. I'd particularly like to hear success stories creating close, egalitarian relationships in which partners can grow.
It took a lot of years for me to use Occums Razor; for a 'birds eye view' of what all of my relationships thus far had in common. The physical appearance, career, personality, and temperament were varied.
I truly loved each of them with all my heart. However, for me "Love brings to itself anything unlike itself, that needs to be healed". Each of them and myself had common threads creating a tapestry: a lovely picture on the front facing side; and messy, loose, untied strands on the reverse hidden side. The little girl in me was attracting a mirror of the same experience as they. To be pithy, I could use two words for what they had in common: 'emotionally unavailable' and emotionally 'dismissive-avoidant'; and me the mirror reverse 'emotionally preoccupied'. I was doing everything to create the deep love in the relationship that I only had with my father in my very early years; and repeating unbeknownst to me until time passed, what my
mother had also experienced with my father and was unresolved in her lifetime. I was reverting to the pure and true love my youngest self had for him; chasing endlessly to recapture that unconditional adoration I felt (only for fleeting moments so enough to imprint my destiny) but it was unrequited in return I was seeking the 'elusive, distracted, distant, inconsistent attention' et al that both of us experienced in our relationship with him. Another word applies 'attachment'. I was endlessly chasing rainbows 🌈 and fluttering like a butterfly 🦋 to seek the beauty and nectar of that pure love after his physical abandonment in my early years. There was fun and pleasure; but they were dismissive avoidant of 'intimacy' (in-to-me- see and see-in-to-me) repeating the same patterns of their early years. I was searching for that of which I felt, in return that I only glimpsed; and seeking that original beautiful spirit of my child, whose heart was so in love yet broken. Then the same abandonment as in childhood repeated in all my relationships. I left only one; unaware of the quiet storm I was to endure that became a hurricane. Each time, I sought that very joy and ebullience both me and my mother felt for him but was unrequited. The broken heart 💔 and abandonment 😥 happened each time. It's been 10 years now since the last relationship ended and I have finally healed ❤️🩹 Everything is conscious now and I recognize this pattern right away and move on. However, I have not as of yet, attracted the one true love that has also mended and healed their own. 🙏💞🕊️
Looking forward to reading this again when I have some quiet time to reflect. As a woman who has had multiple relationship experiences throughout 5 decades that (more complex but for now) were ambiguous and ambivalent, feeling like: 'relate-in-a-ship' in calm water, blue skies, moonlit nights, sun sets then rises; then turbulent water, stormy skies, lightening and thunder, sun sets 'the end'; this opportunity to have a window into a man's psyche and hear honest, personal reflections, perspectives, and musings is much appreciated.
Thanks, Sherri. I look forward to hearing the mirror-image woman's perspective.
It took a lot of years for me to use Occums Razor; for a 'birds eye view' of what all of my relationships thus far had in common. The physical appearance, career, personality, and temperament were varied.
I truly loved each of them with all my heart. However, for me "Love brings to itself anything unlike itself, that needs to be healed". Each of them and myself had common threads creating a tapestry: a lovely picture on the front facing side; and messy, loose, untied strands on the reverse hidden side. The little girl in me was attracting a mirror of the same experience as they. To be pithy, I could use two words for what they had in common: 'emotionally unavailable' and emotionally 'dismissive-avoidant'; and me the mirror reverse 'emotionally preoccupied'. I was doing everything to create the deep love in the relationship that I only had occasionally with my father in my very early years; and repeating unbeknownst to me until decades passed, what my mother had also experienced with my father and was unresolved in her lifetime. I was reverting to the pure and true love my youngest self had for him; chasing endlessly to recapture that unconditional adoration I felt for him, but was unrequited in return (only for fleeting moments so enough to imprint my destiny). I was seeking the 'elusive, distracted, distant, inconsistent attention' et al that both of us in our relationship never received . Another word applies that is 'Attachment'. I was endlessly chasing rainbows 🌈 and fluttering like a butterfly 🦋 to suck the nectar of that pure love, after physical abandonment in my early years: while the men were dismissive avoidant of 'intimacy' (in-to-me- see and see-in-to-me) repeating the same patterns of their early years. I was searching and seeking that original beautiful spirit of my child whose heart was so in love yet broken; when the same abandonment as in childhood repeated in all my relationships. I left only one; unaware of the quiet storm to endure to become a hurricane. Each time, I still sought that very joy and ebullience both me and my mother felt for him but was unrequited. The broken heart 💔 and abandonment 😥 happened each time both physically and emotionally: by betrayal, infidelity, emotional distance, withdrawal, withholding communication, abandonment physically and or emotionally, punishment (and a sudden tragic death ignoring forewarning). It's been 10 years now since the last relationship ended and I have finally healed ❤️🩹...💖
Everything is conscious now and I recognize this pattern right away and move on. However, I have not, as of yet, attracted the one true love that has also mended and healed their own. 🙏💞🕊️
It took a lot of years for me to use Occums Razor; for a 'birds eye view' of what all of my relationships thus far had in common. The physical appearance, career, personality, and temperament were varied.
I truly loved each of them with all my heart. However, for me "Love brings to itself anything unlike itself, that needs to be healed". Each of them and myself had common threads creating a tapestry: a lovely picture on the front facing side; and messy, loose, untied strands on the reverse hidden side. The little girl in me was attracting a mirror of the same experience as they. To be pithy, I could use two words for what they had in common: 'emotionally unavailable' and emotionally 'dismissive-avoidant'; and me the mirror reverse 'emotionally preoccupied'. I was doing everything to create the deep love in the relationship that I only had with my father in my very early years; and repeating unbeknownst to me until decades passed, what my
mother had also experiencing with my father and was unresolved in her lifetime. I was reverting to the pure and true love my youngest self had for him; chasing endlessly to recapture that unconditional adoration I felt for him, but was unrequited in return (only for fleeting moments so enough to imprint my destiny). I was seeking the 'elusive, distracted, distant, inconsistent attention' et al that both of us in our relationship with him; in an Another word applies 'attachment'. I was endlessly chasing rainbows 🌈 and fluttering like a butterfly 🦋 to suck the nectar of that pure love, after physical abandonment in my early years: while the men were dismissive avoidant of 'intimacy' (in-to-me- see and see-in-to-me) repeating the same patterns of their early years. I was searching and seeking that original beautiful spirit of my child whose heart was so in love yet broken; when the same abandonment as in childhood repeated in all my relationships. I left only one; unaware of the quiet storm to endure to become a hurricane. Each time, I still sought that very joy and ebullience both me and my mother felt for him but was unrequited. The broken heart 💔 and abandonment 😥 happened each time both physically and emotionally: by betrayal, infidelity, emotional distance, withdrawal, withholding communication, abandonment physically and or emotionally, punishment (and a sudden tragic death ignoring forewarning). It's been 10 years now since the last relationship ended and I have finally healed ❤️🩹 Everything is conscious now and I recognize this pattern right away and move on. However I have not, as of yet, attracted the one true love that has also mended and healed their own. 🙏💞🕊️
Rejoice! You are lucky to have loved, and be loved in return. This wonderful feeling eludes many. Relationships with women are pretty immune to rational analysis, in my experience.
Yeah, figuring stuff out is my modus operandi, but it doesn't always work.